These are all mental fragments, text based and self administered therapy, expressions of angst, confusion, rage, regret and other fun stuff. This link is for you if you want to read The Weisel Lyrics .

09-24-02...

As we dissect the very threads of our existence
we make such gruesome discoveries
do only when you expect something in return
did I say return.. forget that, we want payment in advance

relax, this will only hurt for a minute
whereas the pain caused by not feeling this
well it will be felt for an eternity
you know you'll bleed when you cut that flesh

satirical spherical cartoon style heads
drawn on frail little bodies that kinda say
I doubt this will pay off in the end
but who's going to be here to care?

and who cares now, who dares bow
to an animated god of such indifference
such radical patriotism and divulging slum
stink while you can because this is the real

stay close to home when it's time to roam
because you never know when yesterday's
good ideas will turn into today's regrets
and you are stuck in the quicksands of time

Fragment 2...

to the boiling point chemically unstable in a fable
the tale of a boy and his dog, a man and his problems
a mother and daughter, subtly why bother to explain
the difference between this plane and that plane

all aboard this plane of existence, don't resist it!
you'd be sad if your missed it, this once in a lifetime chance
this golden opportunity to advance, it's in your nature
you can't stand it. chipping away at your alter ego

now should we depress or stimulate the indirect
manifestation of cinema likeness to nothing of the sort
of like when you slow down the music and flip it backwards
out of sync and out of time slow down that rhyme you bastards

this makes no sense and hence the name insane? oh no!

11-15-04...

The fears I had buried underneath false hopes were dug up the other day
dug up and shoved in my face

lifted a thousand feet and dropped on top of me like a ton of bricks
blindsided as if deep down I didn't expect it to turn out this way

But I did expect it

I lied to myself.. the only one I should truly be able to trust

it won't happen like this again

those demented members of the opposite sex..
each one in some way more fucked up than the next!

having been cheated on and beat on and lied to
making the poor saps that fall for them take the heat

poor saps just like me

I won't be wearing blinders anymore

11-15-04 Part II...

that empty feeling
a quick end to a new beginning
rotten grapes under newly turned leaves
indigestion after a delicious meal

that sinking feeling
nausea, dread, sorrow, regret, rage, contempt
lamenting the death of something that never was
adjusting to the reality of the situation

that burning feeling
trying to avoid thoughts of vengeance
two wrongs don't make a right
she's wrong and has no right!

01-02-02...

It seems that something needs to be proven in my mind
Is it an issue of trust?
Is it an issue of loyalty?
It's hard to tell the color of the ocean when your submerged.
Then again, I've had the bird's eye view for a while now
I suppose it's all in the approach.
If this can be likened to anything it must be a bird.
Going from soaring to standing is a process,
Soaring to standing and vice versa.
So begins the approach to our final destination.
If we need to wait out the storm before landing,
Hopefully we won't need to circle for too long.

12-26-01...

So was that love?
Is love so trivial a concept, that it can be abandoned so?
Kinda makes one wonder, was it love to begin with?
Was it love in the end?
Love... it's a hollow word. It is a hollow idea.
"I love you" roughly translates it would seem to "I accept you"
because in retrospect.. that's all it was.. a mutual acceptance.
While I'd definitely say, acceptance is part of love, love is not solely acceptance.
Acceptance only lasts so long, and does so under certain circumstances.
Yet I've heard love called eternal.. and undying..
True love conquers all?
Apparently I've never known love, only lies,
because at the drop of a hat, our love dies.

12-27-01...

I must move on
I must forget the past, and remember what I've learned
I must learn to forget, and remember to forgive
I must have deceived, I must have been deceived
I must admit, it was hard to leave
and it's hard to stay gone
Sometimes it's hard to breathe
But I must stay strong.

Forget, forgive and let yourself live
what happened is done. While it lasted, t'was fun.
Let it decompose, fair weather comes and goes.
Let it decompose, because the future, no one knows.
Let it decompose, a bitter harvest, everyone sews
Let it decompose, for in it's place, perhaps, another rose grows.

The Truth...

the one word I can never easily define
is balance
the one goal I can't seem to achieve
is solace

motivation eludes me
as my self esteem plummets

this proverbial roller coaster that's known as life
forged in boredom, uncertainty and strife

there is just no balance

too much leeway to keep on track

too little freedom to grasp what I lack

too many friends are becoming memories
too many memories are becoming myth

long term goals are sacrificed for short term relief
of boredom; of hangover; of headache; of grief

of course I can easily spot the shortcomings of others
inadequacies surround me, yet they consume me

they absolutely become me

baby steps in the right direction
are negated on a regular basis

what must I do to achieve this ever-elusive balance?

what must I abstain from doing

the answers are as clear as day
yet I continue to waste away

day by day I grow more hypocritical
I become ever synonymous with what I despise

I can't draw a line in the sand without kicking it into oblivion

where's my motivation

I can't win unless I'm losing
as soon as I tie the score.. find a moment of comfort

no sooner than I obtain buoyancy, do I commence sinking

as logical as I am about certain things,
I can't stick to my guns and repair my dwindling existence

I have no mental image of hereditary strength
I come from a long line of miserable failures

I'm confused by my abilities
so I let them go to utter waste

It wasn't always like this
and there is NO FATE but what we make for ourselves

I don't believe in fate
I don't believe in predisposition beyond chemical tendencies

weather I use it to my advantage or not,
I have the ability to control myself and the world around me.

I have the ability to create; to love; to improve; to lead; to compromise; to believe...
and most importantly, to change.

I can adapt, I can conform.
I can forgive, I can forget and I can remember!

I can learn from my mistakes
and be grateful for the opportunities to do so

I can refrain, I can persist
I will escape from this abyss

and I will not even consider the easy way out

I am stronger than the blood in my veins

I will go on to do great things.

Part One...

When I think of the days when I knew not your gaze
I ask myself, was that me?
How could I have been me without thee?
For it's you who completes me.
Since we met, you've intrigued me.
The very thought of your leaving makes me weep.
Me? Weep?
Again, I wonder about my identity.
Before you & I, what did it take to bring a tear to my eye?
How long had it been since tears I did shed?
How many years it had been since I'd wept in my bed.
Now your position on this, I try to understand.
Ships sailed in the past have washed up on land.
The voyages vary, from terse to eternity.
and these expeditions yield both riches and tragedy.
but what's one without the other?
What is day without the night?
what is a victory without the fight?
what is it to laugh when you've never cried?
and what is love without sacrifice?
without anger, without doubt, without fright?

Part One and a Half...

Ships sailed in the past have washed up on land.
The voyages vary, from terse to eternity.
these expeditions yield both riches and tragedy.
but what's one without the other?
What is day without the night?
what is a victory without the fight?
what is it to laugh when you've never cried?
and what is love without sacrifice?
without anger, without doubt, without fright?

Part Two...

This something we've built, it's really something you know.
It's Something I think will stay warm in the snow
It'll stay dry underwater and moist in the desert
It'll be found when the geese again fly north on their feathers

"This something will last" I say to myself

I wouldn't have thought so, but if this something were not so
it would be a very hard concept to grasp
The very thought that makes me distraught
is to think if us, not as one, but as two halves

Part Three...

Still a different tune on this day
Occasionally I feel some slight dismay
but such feelings quickly melt away
and are replaced with absolutely nothing.
tis true. I feel nothing
today I feel nothing
utter stoicism and absolutely no emotion
I feel nothing.
Will tomorrow bring a similar void?
or will I find this charade has finally met it's epilogue?
"not too likely" I tell myself
for this is normal for me
this is what I remember
it hasn't changed a bit
this feeling of solitude
so many days spent like this in my past
I was sure they had ended at last
but not so.. not so.
I feel just as I did in high school class

Rage...

no less than unsuitable it turns out we've been
a mere act from day one
a side show, a time filler, a waste
the impact was much more than I'd expected
my expectations were destroyed by the impact
hopes, dreams, security and the ability to trust again..
they are all on the line.
uncertainty.
it is without a doubt a most unsavory thicket
it cuts and tears and burns at my flesh
each day i find myself not focusing my vision
so I can look back at what I took for granted
I stare blankly at a spot on the wall
the memories come rushing back to me
more memories than I knew had been made
and I can't help but think they could be all that remains
after this bullshit, after the fact, after the wait
the memories could be the only thing left
and what then?
will they be worth keeping?
or will they be a grim reminder of the loss?
should they be embraced?
or should they be burned in the fireplace?
and how long should I wait?
should I hold my breath til I'm blue in the face?
or should I keep my head above water and stay in the race?
do I take it for what it was?
or strive for what it could be?
do I assume the worst?
or do I look on the bright side?
And after this subsides?
where will i be but in her shoes?
It will be me who's afraid to lose
just like it has been all my life
I thought this time was different
but I suppose i wasn't right.

The Next Step...

return to sender, embark on a real mind bender
the tale of a boy and his situation
the outcome of his decisions, read it without the revisions
for the epilogue is no more interesting than a catalog

rehearsed dialogue, or a simplified error log
the algorithms of a recurring nightmare
decipher the code, encrypt your soul
and swallow you whole, unbearably slow

there's one way out and there's no escape
it could be worse, so why complain?
you just might lose, so why campaign?
forget the normal, embrace the insane

It dawned on me that all hope is gone
it's gone for good, but it hasn't gone far
the swim across the river causes turbulence
but to stay on this shore means certain doom

remember when life was so easy to interpret
when decisions were obvious, choices were clear
I was right then and there how long ago? a year
now my mind is in turmoil and how does my blood boil

so confused as I wander in fields of chaotic despair
how have I got this far, so far beyond repair
so far I haven't cared, the scent of change is in the air
and so I'll embark, for that step is finally here

Lunacy In Love...

Love changes you, you cannot change love.
you cannot stop love from fading.
Love deranges you, then abandons you.
Indeed, there's no choking love's waning.

Like a winding road on a mountain side,
Love spirals upward, no end in sight.
Til you find yourself looking in from the cold,
And you realize young love is brittle and old

It's neither your fault or hers, these wasted years,
yet no consolation will damn the tears.
The memories dull but never fade in full.
It's the nature of the beast, love is cruel.