NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM

I was on a field trip of some kind to this supposedly haunted museum. There was this exhibit of some sort of mangled goat carcass. I guess I was verbally abusing the goat and making light of the rumours of hauntings because when the carcass came to life, it seemed quite angry at me. What ensued was reminiscent of one of those times when you're watching a horror movie and you witness a scene that is totally unprecedented in its goriness. The goat-beast ripped some poor sap from his asshole to his appetite and then some. Pretty much turned him into ground beef right before my very eyes. I was wincing in horror and then the threat of a single goat-beast on the rampage had somehow escalated to an all-out undead goat-beast epidemic. For some reason certain goat-beasts were much more brutal than others. Perhaps some were offspring, not yet fully matured in their flesh-ripping prowess.

At any rate, I was charged with eradicating the hell-goat army threat. I was hard-pressed to find a way to kill these fucking minions. They seemed to be invulnerable to all my attacks. To make matters worse, I had nothing but household items to attempt to ward them off with. For no apparent reason, I was back in our old house in Washington state and the place was crawling with murderous goat-beasts.

I scrambled for a blow dart gun and to my dismay the darts failed miserably to pierce their hardened supernatural goat craniums. I was upstairs where a bunch of baby goat-beasts were and thought I'd experiment and figure out how to kill the fuckers while the mother of them all was sauntering about below. I found a long wire of sorts.. maybe a coat hanger? not sure.. but I gouged one of the little assholes in the eyeball and thrashed it about in an attempt to destroy the brain. EUREEKA!!!

The little hell-spawn twitched and seemingly died. I made a stab at one of his brethren and missed the eye. A second attempt and the hanger was in his brain-piece. I could hear the asshole downstairs approaching. I pulled out the hanger and readied for the impending battle. Apparently I didn't mangle the baby goat-beast's brain quite enough because he managed to compose himself and begin advancing. I gave him another good stab-thrash and then my alarm went off.

SCHIZOPHRENIA

I was with my mom in Atlanta for some reason.. and we were driving around frantically looking for something.. maybe a liquor store.  I was driving like a maniac.. braking at the last possible minute and stopping inches before hitting the semi truck in front of me that was carrying the biggest freakin' log in the world. 

Anyways, the road comes up to a rise and we stop and get out of the car.  The road we were on gets really small and goes winding into this huge valley right through a vineyard.  Strangely enough this vineyard is right in the middle of the bleachers for a horse race.  However instead of horses, there were people dressed up in odd costumes.. for example there was a Darth Vader guy with a giant 4 foot wide head and teeth coming out of his chin.  It seemed all the costumes had disproportionately large heads.

It was getting kinda dark and the first thing I thought about was "here's the weirdest shit I've ever seen, and it's too dark to take any damn pictures!"

However, the sun suddenly came out, so I grabbed my camera out of the car, which by this time had become more of a hotel room. I fumbled with the settings so that the pics would turn out correct and started snapping. 

The camera was kinda zooming in and out at it's own accord.  It was impossible to hold it still enough to get more than a freakin' blur.  I gave up and turned it off, then in the bleachers below, these 2 chicks were looking up at me and kissing each other.  I wasted no time, turned the camera back on and began taking as many photos of the chicks as possible!

Every time I took a picture of them making out, I'd look at the photo and it would be them just sitting there.. it happened like 5 times.. I began to think that I was losing my mind.